So for the past few days I feel as though my head has been spinning.
There has been so much going on. I really dislike using the word ‘busy’ as I feel it is thrown around far too easily in conversation these days, so instead I’ll describe life as ‘chaotic’, what with getting the girls back to school and settling into new timetables for after school activities.
Plus, I’m making sure I’m there for my mum and helping her sort through the paper trail following the passing of my father a few weeks ago.
Add in the discovery that Miss 10 needs to begin her orthodontic treatment earlier than I expected – starting with the extraction one of her baby tooth next week (!!) – on top of our usual specialist appointments, and my calendar is starting to seriously overflow.
Initially, it came as a relief to be so ‘busy’ (ok, ok I had to use it this time). Having three kids and family life was a welcome distraction. It sent me into autopilot mode and allowed me to avoid some deeper, more upsetting feelings about my father’s death. But right now I just feel like throwing my hands up and saying enough is enough. I need some time to process.
I need some time to find acceptance with everything that has happened and everything that continues to happen. But you know what? Finding acceptance is really hard. Maybe it’s meant to be this way and it’s all part of the process. What I am beginning to realise is that I have been dealing with more than most over the past few weeks as I grieve for my father but still make my way through day-to-day life, so that’s a good start for now.
I also need to work on leaving behind feelings of guilt and overwhelm that is beginning to rise and understand that what will be, will be.
You see, in the back of my mind lingers another issue – the need to start making a decision about high schools now that Miss 10 has entered Grade 5. I may need to let go of our long held plans because we are unlikely to have the extra dollars to cover the annual tuition fees now that we are on one income. And with that comes a degree of guilt that if I didn’t leave my job we would be more financially comfortable.
But at the same time I know the decision for me to leave work was not made lightly and has been great for the emotional stability of my family … not to mention getting everyone to those many appointments in my bulging calendar! So instead, I’ll be squeezing into that calendar some time to tour a few more schools in the area over the coming months. I have heard many good reviews from other parents so I’m feeling optimistic. Wish me luck!
While I always find the start of a new school year a little overwhelming as my family finds its groove and learns to settle into a new routine, this year is proving a little more than I can take right now. I remind myself that I need to take in a deep breath and just ‘breathe’ – after all it’s the word I set myself for the year even before any of this began, which is rather amazing when I think back on it now.
Most of all, I need time to reconnect with the slow living journey I embarked on last year. I feel like I’m taking a major detour but deep down I know I’ll hit the right road again soon, I just need to give myself time to find my way.
How has your new year been travelling? Do you feel overwhelmed by the start of a new year or have you settled into your routine fairly quickly? How do you deal with feelings of guilt or overwhelm?